I'm Serving Dad-Bod Realness

So . . .

I feel like we are all in the bad place. We have to be . . . I mean, what other explanation can there be for the fact that everything that tastes good is actually BAD for you and everything that tastes disgusting is healthy.

Not that I’m eating one literally right this moment, but one single little “original glazed” krispy kreme doughnut is 190 calories - meanwhile, a whole cup of inedible ass broccoli comes in at 15 calories. F.I.F.T.E.E.N.!

WHAT WORLD IS THIS?!?!?!

Adding insult to injury is the fact that you can gain 5 pounds in a week - let’s say on a cruise ship - without even thinking about it. But to LOSE a pound, I have to abstain from all tasty foods . . . like butter. WTF man - this is not my America.

Finally, adding more shit to an already shitlicious shit pile is that you can’t just do weights and a little bit of cardio. You have to friggin beat your body to a pulp every time you’re in the gym or suffer the judgmental glare of your home scale reflecting back at you what you already knew - that you haven’t lost any weight this week.

Such is my life these days . . . I mean . . . I am in the gym not once BUT TWICE. I track every single calorie that goes into my body. I drink filtered tap water out of a water bottle that was probably made by lululemon in China somewhere. And I eat very healthy.

**Shameless Plug - If you’re not subscribed to Freshly - you’re DEFINITELY in the bad place!**

But I am so over it and I need all of the encouragement from all the people I don’t know on the innanets.

So - I have to admit that I have noticed a few . . . some might say inconsequential . . . changes. For example, I am not completely winded when I walk up two flights of stairs (something I have to do literally every day for work). That’s a plus, right? My muscles are definitely MUCH larger - like, I’m giving you dad bod realness!

All of these things are great, but probably the most profound change - mama no longer suffers from heartburn. I mean - it used to be multiple times a day that I would have to reach down in my man-purse and dig out those slightly awful tasting, multi-colored tabs. Now, I literally have no clue where they are in the house.

But I want to go to the beach without my shirt on. Like . . . all of these other health benefits are cute, but I want to be able to take a selfie with the caption “no filter” and mean it, lol.

Also - I want to eat donuts. They are delicious.