A story about my own male privilege

(And how I still have a lot to learn!)

It is not easy to admit when you are wrong, but my goal today is to do that, to apologize, and hopefully learn from my mistakes as I strive to make changes to become a fierce(r) champion for equality for everyone. I also want to normalize owning mistakes publicly so that we can all learn and grow and talk about how to be better, kinder human beings.

I had an opportunity to listen and learn about my own male privilege in the workplace but I have to admit that, in the moment, I feigned listening, but I didn’t really hear my colleague (a white woman) when she told me that I was experiencing certain successes because I was a man.

Me? Privileged? Compared to you? A white woman? I am sad and ashamed to say that I rejected the premise outright for a whole host of reasons, and for that, I am sorry.

I was one of four senior members of my office hierarchy (two cis-gender men and two cis-gender women). I was the latest person to join this international team and had been having a wonderful experience getting to know everyone who seemed to be bending over backwards to ensure a pleasant and stress-free onboarding process for me. I mean, I have never felt so welcomed in the workplace as I did in that office. I felt like I had come home, and I was thus eager to sing the praises of everyone who had facilitated a smoother-than-usual transition for me.

And so I told my fellow “senior members” that I wanted to give out awards. I explained that, in the last decade of my career, this was, hands down, the best start to any job and those responsible should be rewarded for their hard work.

The two cis-gender men (myself included) were the newest team members, and we both agreed that our processes were deliciously smooth and agreed on the awards. On the other hand, our female colleagues were not convinced specifically because, not only had they not been given the same courtesies, but felt they had been openly disrespected by the people I was trying to reward. What was the difference? To our female colleagues, the staff respected cis-gender female executives less, and therefore were not afforded the same courtesies as the men. That is putting it mildly, which is another form of male privilege. They were often outright, and sometimes publicly, disrespected. And their thesis is that this disrespect was a direct function of the staff not respecting women leaders.

I don’t know if they were right, but that doesn’t matter. I immediately rejected their thesis and instead, attributed the differences to other factors. I could not even grasp that their arguments might have been valid, and what was worse, I did not give myself the mental space to even consider it. I was the very manifestation of misogyny in the workplace.

As a queer black man, it has been historically hard for me to believe that I possess any power at all, particularly in the workplace, particularly vis-a-vis white people. I have been taught to cloak myself in Prada and Pedigree to combat the systemic oppression I categorically face, but despite being a former adherent to the most basic forms of black respectability politics, none of that actually protected me from blatant discrimination, countless microaggressions and even harassment.

And despite my smooth transition into that specific office, I encountered racism and homophobia every single day from virtually every other office. But … I was the one with the privilege?

Yes … yes I was!

In this post-Breonna Taylor world, I have preached empathy and have railed against people who say that they could “never understand the plight of black folk?”

And as someone who was raised mostly by women, you’d think I would have done more or at least been a better listener.

But I wasn’t. And I have to live with that shame. But forever the dream girl, I am changing. Today, I better recognize my own set of privileges and I will do my best to champion equality for all from now on. I also understand that I have a long road ahead of me, and that the learning never stops.

My sincerest apology will be a true, genuine change and an eagerness to listen and learn.

Trans lives matter. Women’s lives matter. LatinX lives matter. Handicapable lives matter. Black lives matter.

Yours always,

the trendy one …