Have a Plan for your own Death … Or Else
2023, like the rest of these raggedy ass 2020s, has been kicking me and the rest of the world squarely in the balls. I don’t mean to suggest that I’m not grateful for all of the blessings in between, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that this decade, so far, is on some bullshit.
As a result, dear reader, you may have noticed that I have taken some time away to just sit and reflect for the past few weeks because I have been overwhelmed by the constant need to simply be an adult. Traumatic as my generation is finding post-adolescence, the silver lining is that there is always something to learn and some new aching body part to complain about.
In the spirit of celebrating new beginnings, my husband and I dutifully watched the incomparable Dolly Parton and Miley Cyrus ring in the New Year, literally like a wrecking ball. Our delight was, however, short-lived because I got a call the next day that one of my cousins tragically died alone in her apartment in New York City. A friendly recluse, she passed away with no spouse, parents, or children. Her effective next of kin are the cousins who have, in the interim, “discovered”that she was sitting on quite the nest egg. Unfortunately, my cousin died without having given anyone access to her will which means we are all in for a long, unpleasant and potentially contentious set of conversations about her estate.
Given how fresh this ongoing situation is, I will pivot to the case of my grandfather who died just as I landed in Dubai a few years ago. I had to turn around to bury him, but instead of mourning him, the family had to have what turned out to be quite ugly conversations about his estate because he did not have a will at all.
(Side note for another blog: the fact that we, black folk and descendants of slaves, Jim Crow old and new, have anything to pass on beyond debt is a fact not celebrated enough).
Beyond the immediate pillaging that happened, the state of South Carolina immediately sent the estate to probate, a process that has lasted five years and finally came to an end just a few weeks ago. The results have fractured already frayed relationships that are, by my estimation, irreparably damaged.
You love your family until you face these types of situations when you realize that folks change when even a little bit of money is involved.
My point here is obvious: all of us have to take some time, difficult as it may be, to ponder life after our own deaths. No one wants to confront their own mortality, and it is indeed easier to simply let the living deal with the fallout. But for those of you who love your families and want to help keep the peace, keep the guesswork out of your death.
You. Should. Have. A. Will. I cannot stress this enough. My parents and I have had this conversation and, whatever decision they make about their estate, what I can say with absolute certainty is that I won’t be fighting with my siblings about it … because my parents have already made it clear, in writing, what will happen (hopefully in the very distant future). Beyond having a last will and testament, I would encourage folks to consider naming beneficiaries for all of your accounts directly with each institution. Once again, this eliminates ambiguity and allows the living to properly grieve.
Because as sad as it is to mourn the dead, It is worse to lose relationships in the land of the living.
Beloved, I only say this out of love. Be prepared.
Yours always,
The Trendy One
