Watched Frozen 2 and Realized that Kristoff is a #SNACK

So … I know it’s been a while since the last time I blogged, but Portuguese is kicking my butt.

But I’m certainly not complaining. Class regularly features food and wine from Portugal and we are already planning a trip to Lisboa. Meh … things could be worse.

I did manage to take a break from the masochistic pursuit of linguistic excellence and instead sought enrichment through the years most anticipated artistic release: Frozen 2.

Now here’s the deal: I’m fucking obsessed with Frozen. I sang let it go better than Idina Menzel herself with my good Judy at a gay karaoke bar in P-town. I know literally every single word to the movie. I’ve watched it more than I’ve watched Scarlet takes a tumble.

The thing is, when you love a movie as much as I love Frozen, a sequel simply doesn’t excite the senses because sequels suck balls … and that’s not normally something negative for me.

I was skeptical, but there was no question: we were off to see the most famous lesbian on television (Queen Elsa) do the damn thing again.

Now … it must be noted here that frozen is technically a kids movie. But do you know what mama was not expecting at the movie theater? Actual children. Yes … I was genuinely shocked to see so many kids … but I didn’t mind until I realized that these little bundles of joy were going to sneeze, cough, chew, run and play for the entirety of the film. I mean … if I wanted this much distraction at a movie I would’ve gone to the magic johnson theater.

I managed to move past my strong urge to spank the children closest to me and watched with the movie with eager anticipation.

To be clear, it is a masterpiece and I will be watching it many more times, however, Elsa is at best boring and her sister is equally as annoying. But the snowman stole the entire show (again) until Kristof (henceforth to be known as “Zaddy”) gave the audience Lance Bass meets ZAYN realness and I was here for all of it. He didn’t just sing. Nay … he crooned as he broke the fourth wall and stared right into the camera, and verily I say to you, into my very soul.

I am quite literally lusting after a cartoon character … which brings me to my next point. Disney always gave adults just enough double entendre to keep their movies interesting. A slick penis joke here … a little underboob there … the kids don’t notice and the parents get to giggle too.

I just want to be clear that this film was made for the adults. It’s no wonder the kids in the theater were doing everything but watching the movie. It was not for them. And I’m okay with that.

To conclude this ridiculous post … if you got nothing out of reading this, go watch frozen 2, kids are awful, and Kristof is my new baby daddy.