I have to apologize to my husband . . .

WARNING: LOTS OF POTTY HUMOR!

Yes, this is a very public apology. Now, I’m a guy and I therefore, as a rule, seem to wake up making mistakes and needing to apologize, but this, my friends, took the cake(s).

What do I have to apologize for this time, you ask? What was so egregious that I must now castigate myself before throngs of countless onlookers online? As it turns out, my dear husband had to deal with my shit . . . literally!

Y’all, it is so tough living in an apartment with only one bathroom because every now and then, mother nature leads you to blow up the spot and I BLEW IT UP this morning.

Storytime: I’ve always been a fan of homes with multiple bathrooms. And coming from a family full of folks with undiagnosed IBS, I always dreamed of one day having a home where I could relieve myself in peace. But to my utter dismay, I found out that this was not the international norm. You see, when I was an exchange student in Germany, I took a “shop” class (very butch of me, I know) where I had to draw an architectural drawing of my “dream home.” When I presented the sketch to the class, this group of sensitive, caring teenage boys open-mouth guffawed at my desire to have “at least” three bathrooms . . . if they only knew.

Back to my apology . . .

My building does have a few bathrooms that are always super clean and are normally open to everyone in the building. And in the third age before the dawn of Ms. Rona, I would occasionally excuse myself out of the apartment to go to the gym with a pit stop at the loo. Unfortunately, that old hateful ass Ms. Rona caused my building to close all public spaces . . . including the bathrooms.

Sigh . . .

Now, y’all are probably wondering what I ate? Before you judge me, please know that I am trying to eat cleaner and healthier. I had salmon and broccoli for dinner. I had a chicken and some green veggies for lunch and I had a few clementines for some added vitamin C.

I guess I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I eat junk food I blow up like a balloon and if I eat healthy, well . . . I’ll be apologizing A LOT I suppose!

To this end, Babe . . . I’M SO SORRY!

To all of my friends suffering in spirit with me, make sure to eat well and have some pepto nearby.

Yours always,

The Trendy One . . .